“Surviving”

I reposted a story on my Instagram and I felt compelled to write a blog post. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way. On my story I shared a post about sexual assault survivors. The post included some really great tips on how to support survivors and I actually loved the post.

One thing that came to my mind when reading it was how I feel about being considered a survivor. I have talked with many other victims about their assault and what I have found is that many don’t truly feel like survivors. I know I don’t feel like have truly survived. Not that every single day is a struggle, but some are. Some days something triggers me and it’s unexpected and it will put me back into a place where the trauma is all I can think of.

I often say that rather than being a survivor I am still learning to survive. Victims will live with the assault every single day. We don’t just get to “survive” it and move on. It takes work, it takes therapy, it takes faith, it takes strength to keep surviving. It’s also not something most victims can do on their own. We have a support system who guides us and loves us through our tough times.

For me personally, the trauma has affected other aspects of my life and when I start to notice it seeping into those areas I have to do the work to understand and overcome it. Throughout my life I have sabotaged relationships and friendships because something triggered me or because I wasn’t doing the work I needed to and I was taking out all of my feelings (and I’ll be honest, my anger) and emotions on those people. As I’ve grown into true adulthood, I’ve found better ways to deal with the pain and the anxiety, but I’d be lying if I said I never to this day take this pain out on others or try to keep it all bottled up until it just boils over. I am still guilty of that and I try my best to take a deep breath and think before I say things I don’t really mean, “try” being the key word. This is why I say I’m still not fully a survivor. I’m still learning to survive and to treat people as my support system rather than my enemy. It’s so easy to fall into a depressed or angry state because of the trauma and it may not be that way for every victim, but it is for me. Admitting that this was a problem and seeking help was the best thing I ever did for myself. I’m also a huge believer in therapy and I think most people, if not everyone, can benefit from therapy.

I will always say that believing and listening and checking in on the people you know who have been victims of sexual assault is the most important thing you can do. Even after 17 years I still struggle, so no matter how much time has passed, it’s always a good idea to check on your friends and family members who have been victims of this kind of trauma and are still trying to survive every single day.

As always, anyone who wants to reach out to talk or for resources or literally for any reason, I’m here.

– Katie 🤍